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As a woman in my fourth decade, I’ve consistently thought that good manners is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Although I have a satisfying life, I’ve battled very poor self-esteem. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Frequently, it happens so reflexively that I’m barely noticing of it. It stems from anxiety and has impacted both my private and professional life. It frustrates my family and friends and colleagues, and then I get frustrated when they mention it—which only increases my anxiety.

Presenting and Questioning

This over-apologizing is especially problematic when it comes to public speaking or asking questions in front of people. I try to write everything down to stay concise and avoid anxious tangents, but even that doesn’t work most of the time. As an junior researcher in government studies, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to address this through exposure therapy, such as teaching classes and pushing myself to ask questions at public events, despite experiencing humiliations from experienced male academics. I’ve also tried waiting before speaking to become more mindful of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I return to old habits.

Personal Peace

I don’t believe I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still value life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to stop the frequent sorrys. I’ve learned that therapy might assist me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used wisely. Too infrequent or too much, and you place a strain on others.

Finding the Source

A psychotherapist might explore where this urge comes from. Questions like, “How young were you when this developed?” or “Was it internally driven or inherited from someone close to you?” Sometimes, childhood behaviors that once served us well become unhelpful in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your ongoing habits could be seen as holding yourself back. You are aware it irritates those around you, yet you continue it.

The Role of Therapy

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on staying present rather than doing. Much of good therapy is about understanding yourself, not just addressing problems. A skilled therapist will gently challenge you, offering a comfortable setting to examine and embrace who you are.

Instead of exposure therapy, a relational approach with a person-centered counselor might be more helpful. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you treat, disregard, and criticize yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more gentle ways to see things. Your self-esteem can improve from there.

Useful Strategies

Changing ingrained patterns is hard, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by thinking on how saying sorry serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an effort to avoid embarrassment or being seen, by acknowledging perceived shortcomings before others do. This can create a vicious circle of frustration and worry.

Even thinking things through can be useful. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a alternative statement instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I understand” can make others feel heard without you taking responsibility.

This approach will take persistence, but acknowledging there’s an issue is a significant first step toward growth.